“Why Lucas?  Why taunt us?  What did we do to deserve this?”  That’s what many critics and Star Wars fans around the world said in 1999, when the abomination known as Phantom Menace came out in theaters.  This highly anticipated prequel to the classic Star Wars trilogy let down millions.  But, that wasn’t enough.  Oh no, not enough at all.  Then, very recently, it was announced that the Star Wars movies were going to be re-released in eye-popping, headache-producing, money-wasting 3D.  We were happy, for a few minutes, until we realized Phantom Menace would be the first to arrive.  So, I swallowed my fear, hatred, and frustration, and watched the movie again.  And guess what?  It’s still bad.

Let me try to explain this movie’s plot.  A long time ago in a galaxy far away, there is a problem with the planet of Naboo.  The Trade Federation (a bunch of aliens) refuses to leave the planet’s border unless they sign a peace treaty that is never fully explained.  So, two Jedi Knights are sent to settle the matter, which eventually turns to a bigger conflict.  On their journey, they pick up a young boy and really annoying alien, and have to fight the evil Sith Darth Maul (played by Ray Park).

So, I have an honest confession to make.  I didn’t go seed this movie in 3D.  I simply watched my DVD copy I have, in the comfort of my own home.  So, I don’t know how good or bad the 3D is, though I will say, I’ve heard it’s not good.  The movie itself, however, is still very bad.  The most annoying problem that I have with this movie is the plot.  It is nothing like any other Star Wars movie before it.  Gone is the sense of adventure, suspense, or mystery.  The plot revolves around the government, which is the most boring addition to any Star Wars movie since the Christmas Special (Oh yeah, there was a Christmas Special).  These scenes drag the movie, and make any sense of flow lost.  Another plot problem is the strange handling of the “negotiations”.  The Trade Federation basically invades Naboo, and no one tries to put up any kind of fight.  They all just sit there and hope some kind of plot convenience will come by to save them.

My second glaring problem with the movie is the acting.  It is pitiful.  This mostly comes from Padme (played by Natalie Portman) and Anakin (played by Jake Llyod).  These two actors play there parts terribly, so bland and lifeless that it makes Liam Neeson, who plays Qui Gon Jin, seem emotional.  It doesn’t help, however, that the dialogue in this movie is bad too.  Lines like “Are you an angel?”, “You-sa in big doo-doo”, and “There’s always a bigger fish” really make me question whether or not George Lucas was asleep when we wrote this.  These two actors are brilliant, though compared to the King of Bad Slapstick, the one that even the infamous Kevin James must look to for advice.  I am of course referring to the CGI mess known as Jar Jar Binks (played by Ahmed Best), the Gungan that sounds and acts just like Chris Tucker.  I mean it, every terrible piece of dialogue, bad piece of slapstick, and awful motion this character makes causes me to gag.  It is pitiful.  There are other problems with this movie as well such as poor special effects and weird things only to be used for plot convenience, but these two problems are the most glaring.

Now, there are a few things I like about this movie.  Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor (who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi) are not bad, though you can easily tell they want out of this film ASAP.  There are a few action scenes that are good, like the pod-race (for about a minute, then it gets kind-of boring) and the fight at the end, which has both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan fighting Darth Maul.  The cinematography can be good, as well, showcasing some good shots of different planets.  As always, the music by John Williams is spectacular, both thrilling and exhilarating.

I’m expecting that if you even read a sentence of this review, you can tell I don’t enjoy this flick.  The terrible acting, horrendous plot, awful characters, mediocre-at-best special effects, weird plot devices and terrible attempts at comedy bring this movie to the bottom of the barrel.  And not a nice sparkly clean barrel, a barrel full of toxic waste and garbage.  While the occasional aspect can be okay, the movie is way too bad to be worth it.  I give it 1 star out of 5.