**This article is completely satirical and does not entirely reflect real comments made by Ron DeSantis.**

Last week, Ron DeSantis suspended his presidential campaign and endorsed former president Donald Trump. The Breeze has obtained an early draft of the speech that DeSantis planned to give announcing the end of his campaign. Read the governor’s original, unedited speech here:

“Greetings from Florida!

Today, I would like to take a moment to reflect with you, the American people, on why I decided to run for president. 

I want to fight for those who have been forgotten in this country. You know, conservative white men. You can hardly find them anywhere. Go look at the halls of Congress; where have they all gone? And why does the media silence us? You know I’m right because anytime you turn on any cable news channel, you’re bound to see a conservative white man complaining about how the media silences our voices. Forgotten conservative white men, I fight for you.

Our nation is in despair. We are in a crisis. And so, I say that it is time for America to choose.

We can choose to allow a border invasion or we can choose to stop it.

We can choose political indoctrination, or we can choose classical education.

We can choose to continue to allow Democrats to increase the power of the U.S. government or we can choose to rant about wanting to limit government control while increasing government control in ways that benefit us.

In my America, Americans can choose anything. Except for choosing to obtain safe and legal abortion. Or choosing to take your child to drag queen story hour. Or choosing to take AP Psychology in high school. Or choosing to change your gender identity and have a basic degree of bodily autonomy. Or choosing to major in Gender Studies in college. Or choosing what books you can loan from your local library. Other than that though, Americans can choose for themselves. Maybe. If I choose that it is okay for them to choose, then they can choose.

It is also time that we succeed as a country.

We cannot succeed as a country if we allow our nation to be invaded, our currency to be debased, our cities to crumble, and our kids to be indoctrinated (which is why I prevent them from learning the parts of history that don’t align with my political values… so they don’t get indoctrinated and are taught to support my policies without questioning them).

I can bring America this success. I have a record of leading with conviction, championing an agenda marked by bold colors, delivering on my promises, smiling very naturally, and displaying the behaviors of real human people… sometimes.

This is the type of leadership we need in America. 

Now, following our second-place finish in Iowa, I have prayed and deliberated on the way forward.  If there was anything I could do to produce a favorable outcome, I would do it.  But I have finally realized what all of America has known since day one, I stand no chance of becoming the next president of the United States.

Accordingly, I am today suspending my campaign and endorsing former president Donald Trump.

Yes, he may have called me Meatball Ron, Ron DeSaster, and Ron DeSanctimonious, but now, I want you to call him the President of the United States. He may have said that I need a personality transplant, but I think the Oval Office needs a presidential transplant. Donald Trump needs to reclaim his throne. You have all heard him say that I was “dead, dead as a doornail” and he revived me. It’s true and now I’m telling you that he can revive this country too.

You may think it is crazy for me to endorse Trump after campaigning so fiercely against him on the campaign trail, but I have a simple explanation. You see, I have no spine at the moment. While wearing my glorious high heels touring all 99 counties of Iowa, I managed to significantly hurt my back, leaving me temporarily spineless. But don’t worry, in four years when I decide to run for President again (if we still have presidential elections then), my spine will have hopefully healed. 

But for now, with my broken spine and disastrously humiliating failure of a campaign, I’d like to close with a quote from Winston Churchill. He once said that, “success is not final, failure is not fatal — it is the courage to continue that counts.” He didn’t actually say this, but when I typed “Winston Churchill quotes” into Google and then clicked on “images” this came up and how could I not use such a beautiful quote, even if some speculate that the quote came from an old Budweiser ad. You suspended your disbelief on the campaign trail when you thought I had a chance of winning, so just suspend it a little more and pretend Winston Churchill said this for me, will ya?

Thank you and God bless.”